I am...

...the kind of teenager who needs to justify everything she does, but requires no justification of actions from others.
...the kind of student who loathes relying on others financially, and is financially independent at all costs.
...the kind of Canadian who will leave a ridiculously small amount of food leftover because taking the last of anything is 'rude.'
...the kind of ex girlfriend who takes 7 hours out of her day to help her gay ex boyfriend move into a new place.
...the kind of girlfriend who takes -many- hours out of her day to teach her boyfriend Canadian tonsil hockey.
...the kind of tomboy who has a high physical pain tolerance but will do anything to avoid emotional pain.
...the kind of girly girl that loves makeup but hates hairspray.
...the kind of kid who laughs loudly just when everyone is quiet.
...the kind of adult that doesn't drink and thinks naptime and playgrounds are for grownups.
...the kind of singer who burst into song without warning at any given moment. This includes public washrooms.
...the kind of photographer that will walk around down town for hours with a telephoto lens, risking looking like a weirdo, to get the perfect candid shots of people.
...the kind of person who smiles at strangers to make them smile, just to feel like she can control their actions.
...the kind of monster that eats cookies.
...the kind of human who hopes to deserve the life that she has.

Today's Colour: All of 'em

A Moment Of Distraction

He’s so warm, I love his hands. Does he feel anything other than this quirky friendship for me? Are there other girls he cuddles with late at night whilst watching Miyazaki films? Is he laughing behind my back at my completely green naivety ? I don’t know but right now, in this moment, I don’t care. He’s warm and the blankets are soft and I am sooo comfortable. I wonder if he knows I’m interesting. I’m silly, my stomach talks, I eat a lot, I don’t like pears, I love the beach, I listen to melancholy music to make me sad. It’s not terribly unique, but I think it’s interesting.

He’s interesting. He speaks Russian and Cantonese, and he’s traveled. That’s two on my list. Being warm is a third. I love being warm. We both hate the cold. Maybe last nights walk wasn’t such a good idea- but he seemed to have fun. Drinking cider inside afterwards was great. But what if it’s a joke? I know all the sayings about enjoying the dance while it lasts, but I read a lot. And every story has an ending and I am always hyperaware of that. Are we going to end? Is there even a we? Can’t we at least be friends? Maybe friends would be better anyways- you don’t break up with friends.

He likes how I smell. Shampoo is my favorite thing right now. I wish it was simple. We get along and like each other, but he doesn’t want more. I say fine, and it is fine, but I want more. And not physically. Is that the true difference between guys and girls? Guys are all about the physical aspect of a relationship while the girls want the mental/emotional aspect? I don’t want to be like all the girls he’s dated and known in the past. I’m different. I don’t want to get married at 22 and have 8 kids. I don’t like clingy. We both like cuddling. Why can’t I stop thinking about him? It’s my hormones. That’s the answer to everything between us. It’s the unspoken safe word, when things get too close, when we get too close to saying maybe we should try a proper actual solid relationship. “It’s just your hormones.” Safe. Easy. But not simple. I want it to be. But I am so affected by him.

Is he affected by me? Does he think about me after he’s driven off in his wrangler with the smiley faces on the headlights, during breakfast or a particularly boring lecture? What’s his game? Is it bad to want more? I feel like a child experiencing ice cream for the first time. It’s so good I want more, but will more make me sick? I don’t know. I don’t know very much. And the older I get, the clearer this becomes.

He wants to kiss me, so he says. But kissing is for relationships I always reply. And that ends it. I don’t even know him that well but I want him to say he wants a relationship. But maybe I don’t even want that, maybe it's just because I've been told I can’t have it. That must be it. Because being friends is better, friends are forever. You don’t break up with friends, and I hate breakups. Not that I’m that experienced, but it’s not a feeling I’d like to repeat much. And he could be a great friend. Unless it’s all a trick. That would be my luck. Maybe I’m broken. I still don’t know. I should go do homework. I miss his hands.

Today’s Colour: Brown

The Original Fear

I have a theory. I think that every fear that exists is derived from one. A root fear that we all have, the manifests itself in many different forms. Public speaking, spiders, heights, the dark, driving... Seriously, any fear I can think of has the end result of being because of the root. Ok maybe not every fear. I can’t make the connection between the fear of yellow and the fear I’m thinking of. But for the most part, we all fear the same thing. And it’s not death. Statistically people fear public speaking more than death. So what is this ultimate fear? This fear of fears, that we all share but don’t realize?

Being alone.

If you had to speak to a large crowd by yourself or with just one more person, which would you choose? Fear of heights is the fear of death, but the deeper feeling is that when you die, you are alone. You can eat together, sleep together, talk, walk, laugh,  and cry together. But you can’t die together. In prison, where the worst kind of people exist, the worst punishment doled out is solitary confinement. I’m talking mass murderers and rapists here. Solitary confinement is the worst thing.

So I admit it. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m facing my fears tomorrow and I don’t know what will happen. I am scared witless of being by myself for the rest of my life. So are you. Unless you’re afraid of yellow. Then I have no idea what you’re really scared of. (Duck attacks? Blondes? Your inner Asian?)

Thanks for listening.

Today's Colour: Gray

Finding Neverland

As children we are perfect. We say the absolute truth and are open to any possibilities. We are at our most creative. We express our emotions fully and with no deception. If we are sad, we cry ourselves sick. If we are happy, we laugh as loud as possible. But something happens when we grow up. We learn to lie and deceive not only others but ourselves. We learn to hide our emotions and suppress our feelings because of the risks. Our lives are not long. We may think they are but they can and do end in an instant. What is the point in living if no one remembers you, loves you? Why should we even take breath if not with the intent to find somebody to love and be loved by? Why do we let chances slip by? Regret has to be the most painful of all the emotions.

What if everyone just let go of all their inhibitions? What if we were completely truthful? Yes, hearts would break, but there would be such a sweet freedom. Freedom to say and do what we feel. Freedom to walk up to someone and say, "I like you. Come play with me?"

We have no excuse in these modern days to lie to ourselves. We owe it to those who came before us, who had to worry about reputation, monetary stability, who had absolutely no emotional choice in the matter. Now there is nothing but emotional choice. What is the worst that could happen? We are embarrassed, we lose some pride. Screw pride. We are all children at heart. We all want the same things. Love, happiness, someone to play with, someone to be with.

And deceiving the world about who we really are is folly from the beginning. Eventually our true colours will shine through and we will be left standing there, looking at that someone who has been lied to, hoping they will be able to accept who we actually are.

Wouldn't it be better to be ourselves so that we might find those people who mesh so beautifully with our own view of the world? Shouldn't we all be looking for a perfect fit?

If being an adult means settling for second best, for sacrificing feelings for the world's idea of goodness, for being less than you are so very capable of- then I'm off to find Neverland because I am never  growing up.

Thanks for listening.

Today's Colour: Blue

It's a New Year

2011. It's the year before the end of the world, the year after my high school graduation, and the year I'm starting a blog. It's an interesting year. The modern world is a funny place. Facebook has made stalking socially acceptable, YouTube can make anyone famous, and Blogs let people anonymously spill their guts to the world. So here I am spilling my guts.

I should be doing my homework, or washing dishes, or even cleaning my room, but instead I'm blogging and thinking about a guy, who shall here be forever named Locker Boy. It's been slightly over a week since I first met him. It was the end of art class, and he needed to share a locker with someone because he rented the wrong size. I volunteered, we exchanged numbers so he could get into my locker if I was off campus, and the day went on. Monday he texts me for the combination. A joke here, a question there and suddenly we're texting off and on for 12 hours. A few days later we're doing our art homework together. He talks about how he's relationship phobic, I agree due to the fact my last relationship ended because my boyfriend was gay. I like simple, and relationships are anything but. We discover that we both like cuddling, and decide that we should be cuddle buddies. Basically like the movie No Strings Attached but instead of sex it's just cuddles. Yeah it sounds a little cheesy but I like the simplicity of it.

Yet lately he's been talking about having a possible actual relationship with me in the future. This should please me, but instead I'm totally torn. It took me awhile to figure out why the idea of dating him bothers me. Romantic relationships end. Friendship rarely does. I like the way things are, and I don't want it to end. I like him, and true, I don't know him that well, but you have to start somewhere. We went to see The Kings Speech (an amazing movie) as friends and it was nice. I'm just not thrilled with the idea of getting emotionally attached because of my past, rather disastrous, experience. Gay boyfriends aren't exactly confidence boosters. But one of my resolutions this year is to just go with the flow and be myself. If going with the flow leads to a relationship with Locker Boy, then I will accept it wholeheartedly. If not, that's good too. Life is too short to worry overmuch about this stuff. But it's nice to get it off my chest.

Thanks for listening.

Todays Colour: Pink