He’s interesting. He speaks Russian and Cantonese, and he’s traveled. That’s two on my list. Being warm is a third. I love being warm. We both hate the cold. Maybe last nights walk wasn’t such a good idea- but he seemed to have fun. Drinking cider inside afterwards was great. But what if it’s a joke? I know all the sayings about enjoying the dance while it lasts, but I read a lot. And every story has an ending and I am always hyperaware of that. Are we going to end? Is there even a we? Can’t we at least be friends? Maybe friends would be better anyways- you don’t break up with friends.
He likes how I smell. Shampoo is my favorite thing right now. I wish it was simple. We get along and like each other, but he doesn’t want more. I say fine, and it is fine, but I want more. And not physically. Is that the true difference between guys and girls? Guys are all about the physical aspect of a relationship while the girls want the mental/emotional aspect? I don’t want to be like all the girls he’s dated and known in the past. I’m different. I don’t want to get married at 22 and have 8 kids. I don’t like clingy. We both like cuddling. Why can’t I stop thinking about him? It’s my hormones. That’s the answer to everything between us. It’s the unspoken safe word, when things get too close, when we get too close to saying maybe we should try a proper actual solid relationship. “It’s just your hormones.” Safe. Easy. But not simple. I want it to be. But I am so affected by him.
Is he affected by me? Does he think about me after he’s driven off in his wrangler with the smiley faces on the headlights, during breakfast or a particularly boring lecture? What’s his game? Is it bad to want more? I feel like a child experiencing ice cream for the first time. It’s so good I want more, but will more make me sick? I don’t know. I don’t know very much. And the older I get, the clearer this becomes.
He wants to kiss me, so he says. But kissing is for relationships I always reply. And that ends it. I don’t even know him that well but I want him to say he wants a relationship. But maybe I don’t even want that, maybe it's just because I've been told I can’t have it. That must be it. Because being friends is better, friends are forever. You don’t break up with friends, and I hate breakups. Not that I’m that experienced, but it’s not a feeling I’d like to repeat much. And he could be a great friend. Unless it’s all a trick. That would be my luck. Maybe I’m broken. I still don’t know. I should go do homework. I miss his hands.
Today’s Colour: Brown
I like you.
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